"Who I am hates who I've been"

... Is a little strong perhaps.

Maybe who I am is 'irked' by who I've been...

Regardless of where I fall on Matt Thiessen's scale of self-loathing, things have been slowing down and I've had a chance to observe the subtle changes made over this last year.

Starting with the things I'm not too fond of:

•  The excessive amount of time alone in the library, at work, or at home has made me kind of neurotic. Or at least, it's more physically apparent. I'm constantly playing with my facial hair, rubbing my lips, or fiddling with small objects.
• I keep wanting to answer questions and solve problems to an annoying amount. I give advice on things I wasn't asked to give advice on. Truth is, I like solving problems, and I'm actually pretty good at analyzing situations... I just need to make sure they are my problems to solve. 
• I've been using my general busyness as an excuse for shirking responsibilities and just generally not putting forward honest efforts. I've always had a busy schedule, and though this year was crazy, I could have spent more time with friends, family, and my church family.

Things that I am glad to see change

• I've been going to the gym consistently 2-3 times a week for a year now and have been dancing at least once if not twice a week. Even with a hectic schedule I found time for these things, and I'm glad I did. My hope is I can find more time for these activities when I return. 
• I now have real, very applicable experience facilitating individual, group, and family therapy. I feel confident being able to enter the field of counseling and therapy. My experience has also been incredibly humbling in realizing all that I don't know about the field, and my client population. But I am excited to be taught by my peers, supervisors, and clients themselves. 
• Despite all the grief, I felt I have been able to wrap up my education, internship, and employment well, with many lasting relationships. 

What I've learned

• With careful organizing (and by the grace of God), I can persist well under a tight schedule and a fair amount of pressure. However, I also learned that I cannot survive like that for prolonged periods of time, and need to exercise moderation of commitments. 
• Honesty, more than anything else, is necessary for any progress in working with clients, with my relationships, and in my own walk. I am unfortunately well acquainted with manipulation and deceit, but it's I have to make a conscious choice to be authentic.
• My value is not determined by my successes and failures. It sounds so obvious, but I really do hold a lot of stock in how 'useful' I am to others. I need to make sure my joy is based in Christ, and certainly not any of these other silly things. 

Lastly,
I picked up a pretty good digital SLR camera from a friend. It's bulky, but loveable. I've been playing around with it before I head to New Mexico. My goal is to have at least a couple pictures each post [though, hopefully not too many].
Here's hoping a picture really is worth a thousand words, because I'm done typing.

-Patrick