To the DAY, a year ago, I was praying for the very thing I am currently awaiting: leaving my job, my house, and my 'life' (at least for a time). Revisiting my thoughts is encouraging and reminds me of my motives. Following a particularly trying driving shift at the Grand Rapids Press, I wrote...
"...So I remember at some point doing my usual 'negotiations' with God, I was trying to figure out how to "fix" my life.
Do I need to be more disciplined in reading?
Do I lay my job down at your feet and give it up to attend to church with my church family?
Especially because there are a few of my brothers who are in dire need?
Do I change the way things are run in the house?
...And a laundry list of other... mostly silly... anxieties.
Eventually, I started saying out loud,
"No, it won't do anything. I can give up everything I have and present it as an extravagant gift, but it would mean nothing!"
"It's like a husband feeling distant and out of touch with this wife and spending everything to buy her a lavish gift! Sure, she'd probably appreciate the sentiment, but she doesn't want that! You don't want that! You want Me! ... ... ... ... ... You... want me?"
That was the final thought that resonated with me.There are many times where I wish I had something to say. This was not one of those times. God pursues us recklessly and with all abandon. He rejoices in it.
"...So I remember at some point doing my usual 'negotiations' with God, I was trying to figure out how to "fix" my life.
Do I need to be more disciplined in reading?
Do I lay my job down at your feet and give it up to attend to church with my church family?
Especially because there are a few of my brothers who are in dire need?
Do I change the way things are run in the house?
...And a laundry list of other... mostly silly... anxieties.
Eventually, I started saying out loud,
"No, it won't do anything. I can give up everything I have and present it as an extravagant gift, but it would mean nothing!"
"It's like a husband feeling distant and out of touch with this wife and spending everything to buy her a lavish gift! Sure, she'd probably appreciate the sentiment, but she doesn't want that! You don't want that! You want Me! ... ... ... ... ... You... want me?"
That was the final thought that resonated with me.There are many times where I wish I had something to say. This was not one of those times. God pursues us recklessly and with all abandon. He rejoices in it.
To know that I am wanted and pursued by a Lord who is God Almighty is beautiful. It is a tragedy when I forget this and return to my wandering.
I have wandered for so long, and I am so tired.
I know I will blissfully look back on this time, but for now, I will hold to His promise to make it through these next few months. I am assured that God is lending me strength, because I have none to give of my own. Best put it to good use!
Here's to the long march and the short step.
-Patrick
I know I will blissfully look back on this time, but for now, I will hold to His promise to make it through these next few months. I am assured that God is lending me strength, because I have none to give of my own. Best put it to good use!
Here's to the long march and the short step.
-Patrick
